Love Through

How I see love through: life and relationships

I always put the wrong order of something, I haven’t figured out what I mean by writing “How I see love through life” so instead, I will tell you first how I see love through relationships.

As an opening, I would like to give my reason why I write this blog. After reading around 40 pages of the book “Conversations on love” I started to have some ideas to write down all of my thoughts about love, the love I’ve learnt from all the people I’ve encountered. What is love, what do I mean by love.

Love in Relationships

Looking back from what I have taught my students about relationships, a relationship is when you build a connection with other people.  It starts from our home. Relationship with your parents, siblings, grandparents and with your other family. Then as we grow up we start building relationships with friends and later some will become best friends, with your teachers, lecturers, and colleagues. Between all of that sometimes you build a relationship with a person that is willing to commit to certain things with you, that we often call it you become a couple with that person.

Relationships can be in forms of many types. It will lead us to learn a lot about love through its differences and similarities. As I wrote before, when we talk about a relationship, we first learn it from our home, but then in this writing, I will put my thoughts about my relationship from home in the last section for no certain reason, I just feel it more comfortable that way.

#1: Friendship

I love my friends, what a sentence to get to this writing guessed easily. I’ve taken my mbti test for several times, few times I got I (introverted) result of it, but most of the times I got E (extroverted) results. It is not important to tell what my mbti is I guess, haha, but what I am going to say here is that from the mbti result I often doubt why do I get an E (extroverted)? As I know, E people are those who have an extra outgoing personality, love to go to parties, who look like they have 24/7 full energy. But then later I learnt that extroverted means you love being surrounded with people, you love sharing your thoughts and feelings to others, and you feel recharged by doing so. It doesn’t have to be flashy or noisy parties, it can be sitting down at a cafe having long conversations with your best friends. Then it is true that I have E type of personality. After long weeks of work, my favorite thing to do after that is just to sit down with my family or friends and have conversations about anything. I recharge my energy by hanging out with people I love, not by being alone.

In this opportunity, I would like to take my moment to write and let my friends know how they mean to me and how they affect the love inside myself. It is obvious that I might not be able to write all of my friends' names, but I will give some of names who I feel like I have a strong and deep connection with a piece thought of mine, to let them know how I feel towards them.

My good friends since High School, Mumu, Mifta, Anggrek, Dewanti and Alifah. Let's get to know them and the things I love, learn from, and well, my thoughts about our relationship. Again, I will write with no particular order. And for additional information, I have asked for their permission to write about them on our groupchat.

Mumu. I literally grow up with her. Since 2015 if I am not mistaken, we became friends. We started by having a really bad relationship to just casually hanging out together all the time. She's not so kind to other people (hahah jk), but she's so kind to her friends. It's pretty hard to explain how easy it is to have her as a friend. We used to be two high school girls who enjoyed dancing to Kpop songs, to two college students who fought for their degree, to two unemployed girls, to whatever we are now, me, who's currently working as an elementary educator, and her, who's now working as a florist. With all these years, it just feels natural to be with her in my spare time. We just get along well that we can talk about everything. We know each other's secrets to silly things we keep talking about for years. 

From her, I learn a lot. Be each other's company without any burden feelings. I guess this is just right, this is how friendship should feel like. That relationship should be this easy that I don't need to be other versions of me, I can just be me.

Mifta, I used to call her Taka, let me think. Do we even have something in common other than the fact that we went to the same high school and that we were in the same class for three years straight. After high school ended, we didn't have much time to spend together as friends, we didn't even talk through phone, but we do meet with other friends once a while when we feel like we need it. Even after not talking for a long time, we still can hang out and talk without any awkward feeling, I always find it fascinating that we can get along well. We still act like we're still high school students, mock each other on how childish we are, even joke around about how annoying our love stories are. Her love story is so annoying for me to be really honest, she keeps breaking up and getting back together with her boyfriend like every time we meet there's no peaceful story about their relationship. I hope that she will grow up to be more mature or whatever is best for her. Anyway, I still love you, Mip.

Anggrek, by the time I'm writing this, I haven't got her permission yet. I will ask her again later, if you can read this, it means she allowed me to. What's on my mind to describe this young lady that I would always call her my best friend,  is that she's strong. Back when we were still in high school, I always got mesmerized by how nonchalant she was. I always wanted to live like that, she's the real winner in the IDGAF war. We grew up together and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even though this year, it's pretty hard for us to make time to meet. She's been busy working and so do I. It's been 5 months since the last time I met her, sad. I miss our deep conversation, I miss us catching up on everything. 

Nggrek, I'm so glad that despite anything, you're still growing up really well, you'll always grow well and be whatever you want to be. You have a big heart and I hope this world will always treat you right. I want you to know that I love you so much, and I'll come to your house and knock your door loudly if you don't reply to my message. 

Dewa, I envy your futsal stories these days I wanna join! Anyway, for Dewanti, just like my relationship with Mumu, I think we didn't start it right, we were so bitter and salty even though we always sat close to each other. Most of my memories with Dewanti in high school were fun, but there were some parts of her that hurt me, maybe because we were still kids and the fact that we had opposite personalities. It all changed when we went to the same faculty at college. She's all changed!!! What happened to the old stubborn Dewanti?! She's fully grown and was so nice to me after college!!! I loved her even before she changed and I love her more after college days hehehe. As she gets older, she even gets cuter, my little pie Dewdew.

The next person is Alifah. My seatmate for two years of high school. She's a bright kid, she's a so-outgoing person that I could learn a lot from her on how to socialize with people. I bet there are certain times when you can feel that some people are just purely genuine, you do not even know the reason why you feel so, but those people just make you feel that way. That's what I feel towards Ali. She's so caring to other people that made me wonder how could someone be that nice? Thoughtful, considerate, hahah, enough adoring Alifah, I will tell you what makes me always want to be friends with her. Back when we were in high school, I was really into writing wattpad, she's one of my friends who supported my writings, and I am so thankful with that. With or without them knowing, it means a lot to me that it keeps me writing until now. It grows a love inside me, it strengthens my love for writing.

The last time we (my high school friends and I) met was around September. We went to Angkringan Pak Tomi, and it was so much fun I really love it. As we grow up into adults we are now, it's so difficult to match our schedule and make time to hang out, so I do really value the times that we spend together. 

I don't have that many friends, or close friends, and it feels like my friendship relationships just began when I entered senior high school. I could write about it for pages but as for now, let's move on to my college friends. I have some of friends or maybe acquaintances who are so nice to me, but I am so limited so this writing won't be enough to mention them all. I do appreciate all people who I know through college, even if it's just a small greeting, I do value them so much, thank you for making my college days fun and bearable.

Kevin. I had a really opposite first impression of her than how I know her now. She was that popular girl who made me feel uncomfortable to talk with. She didn't welcome me well that I felt so intimidated. Who knew that later we could be this close haha. She's that kind of friend who always tells me to be confident and gives "go kill it girl" energy. We share a lot of common interests, we talk daily even with distance. It is weird that after covid we don't see each other often we only communicate through Whatsapp and other social medias, but the feeling remains close. I knew it, this is love, Vin. I won't ever let her go, if someday she doesn't pick my calls, I would literally fly to Gunkid right away! You can't abandon me!

Vin, you seem to have a hard time these days, I wish for nothing but everything to go well for you. You are loved and you are KEVIN, I would never forgive you if you ever forget about who you are.

They come as a set. If I mention Kevin, then not so long ago, I also did hang out with Shofi. A girl who’s just moved on from her painful relationship. It’s remarkable how she managed to go through it all. As for Shofi, we met in our freshmen days, then she moved to another uni and we weren’t able to catch up with each other’s lives since life’s been chaotic for both of us. We’re reunited (haha) with Kevin as the mediator. Just like an instant click, we talked a lot about everything, mostly about our own romantic relationships. 

With other friends, I mostly take lessons about love in friendship, but with Shofi, the most lingering discussion that we always have is about romantic relationships. Nothing is less important than another, both kinds of relationships are equally important for me to learn. Shofi’s story taught me to never settle for less. We wake up every day, put ourselves together, study and work hard not for others to make us feel we don’t deserve to be loved. Escaping from a bad relationship is so hard, and I would celebrate her best decision to do it. Congratulations Shof, you deserve to start a new journey of love.

Again, to remind that I won't be able to write down all of my friends' stories. But shout out to my childhood friends, Diah, Yulia, Ina, Fika. My friends that I have weird relationships with (we see each other once in years, but the bond is still here strong and steady), Feika, Risma and Windi. And all of my beloved ones.  

That’s how I see love through friendships. That love should always be easy. That love can be long and steady. That love allows me to be myself. That love makes me want to grow better each day. All this time, I was always scared to show my love to my friends, what if it is not reciprocated? What if they don’t feel the same way as I do? But then life is too short to think about the what ifs that are not real. I decided to show and give love as much as I want. I won’t hold back from saying I love them, I miss them, and I care about them. I won’t hold back from celebrating their existence. And I won’t hold back from spreading my love.

#2: Romantic Relationship

People in their 20s tend to focus on searching for a romantic relationship, and I am no exception. A romantic relationship is a complicated thing that I find it difficult to understand most of the time. In my belief, as a Moslem, we are not allowed to build a romantic relationship before marriage.

But, just like other teenagers do, I did date boys somehow. In my age now, as a 22 years old single girl, it means I failed my previous romantic relationships. I couldn’t break down the reasons of me failing, but with my own conclusion, I assume it has to be my immature sides. Based on my guess, my exes are doing fine with their lives now, one already tie the knots, and one, I believe already has a partner as well. And I am, genuinely, happy for them.

I am so drained just by writing this. I won’t force myself to convey the meaning of love I barely recognize. Yet, I don’t wanna say I’m giving up on searching for a romantic relationship. But longing for something I don’t even fully understand is like looking for a green rock amongst other colours of rocks in a dark cave. First, I have to fully aware of myself as well as what I expect from a romantic relationship. I am taking piece by piece to solve the puzzle, but I won’t let this longing to complete my puzzle stopping me from enjoying my own moment now.

#3: Family

One single blog won’t be enough to describe the love I have for my family. The love they give me, the love we nurture together every single day. The strength of love they raise me with. I am overflowed by love from my family. In the other moment, I will write it all down. “Tulisan tentang keluargaku sebelum aku tumbuh dewasa” I have some writings about my family on my blog. I hope I will be able continue to write about them more after this.

Love in Life

I will come back with my thoughts on the meaning of love in life in the next writing (hopefully). Again, after all this is just my thoughts that I arrange and put it into a piece of writing. I am bad at closing my paragraphs, anyway, I had so much fun writing this long blog!

 

With love,

Nestya.